I should probably back up a bit. I was mad at God. I really didn’t know Him at this time but I knew that I was very angry. How could this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I was 24 years old, making great money, just bought my first house and now not only all of that was threatened, but when I really think about it I could die from this if I didn’t respond to treatment.
I scheduled my chemo treatments on Monday. I was treated on an outpatient basis so it made it a little easier as I didn’t have to spend an extended time in the hospital. Everything could be taken care of in the doctor’s office. I vividly remember my first Monday receiving treatment. Receiving the shot was nothing but what I didn’t expect was the aftermath. I was told that I would be sick soon but I felt fine leaving the office. I barely made it home which was about 15 minutes away when everything broke loose. I spent the next 6 hours in the bathroom – alternately from sleeping on the floor to violently losing everything that may have been in my stomach.
I spent 2 out of every 3 weeks for the next 6 months receiving chemotherapy. The amazing part of it was that I only missed 2 days a week from work – the day of treatment and the following day for recovery. Chemo treatments play with your mind even long after your last treatment. For the 6 months I received treatment, I could not stand the smell or texture of meat. I became a full-fledged vegetarian. And to this day, anytime I have to get blood work done or receive a shot for anything, I can still smell the chemicals that were used for my treatment. I so hate shots because of the memories.
After my treatment, I had to have a splenectomy so the doctor could determine if everything was gone. I guess the spleen is one of the last places remnants of this disease will remain. I was given a clean bill of health. I had to have checkups every 6 months for the next 5 years before the doctor would label me as cured. I was told that I would probably live a normal life although that statement came with a couple of warnings. One was that the cancer could return in a totally different form and that the odds of that happening were higher than the normal population. The second was that because the treatment was so aggressive, the chances of me being a father were greatly reduced. This time I did ask was the odds were although at the time I was not married and having kids seemed a long way away. The doctor told me that if he had to put a percentage on it, there was a 95% chance that I would never have any kids.
And I still argued with God. My life had totally flipped over the course of 6 months and it would never be the same. I asked Him how He could let me go through this. I bragged to Him that I had beaten cancer and I did it myself. I told Him that I willed myself that I would not lose my hair and except for it thinning out a little bit, no one knew that I was undergoing chemo.
I learned an awful lot through this process but unfortunately it was about 3 years after I had been blaming God for it and for abandoning me. I should have not been asking Him the questions I asked. It was futile to ask Him why He would allow this to happen to me and what did I do to deserve this. I should have asked a better question like now that this has happened to me, what am I going to do about it. He was with me all along, I just didn’t see it. Actually He carried me through those dark days just so I could meet Him a couple of years later.
The hardest thing I had to overcome was my lack of understanding. I am the type of person who needs to know the “why” in everything. I love details and details include asking why. In matters such as this all we really need to do is trust. It is so easy and tempting to rebel against God when we are suffering. It is so easy to blame Him for our troubles. It is in the midst of these times when we have a choice to make. All God asks us to do is trust him.
Filed under: me | 2 Comments
Wow. I had no idea. Thanks so much for sharing that story. I always knew there were tons of great stories like this inside the quiet exterior of Rick.
Thanks Rick. That was deep.